Focus On - Common Parenting Mistakes Walter Branch, Ph.D.

Common Parenting Mistakes
By Walter B. Branch, Ph.D.
Coastal Psychology

1. Too Much Talking when Angry

The more you talk as a parent when trying to correct your child, the more your child will tune you
out and not "listen" to you. I can't tell you how many times parents have complained to me that
their child does not listen to what amounts to a 15 minute lecture on why he or she should not...
(fill in the blank). I would not listen to you either. No one would. General rule of thumb:
The less you talk, the more you say.

No, you do not need to have the last word.

2. Parental Temper Tantrums

If you do not want your child to throw temper tantrums, then you can't either. This includes the
counter temper tantrums that parents sometimes have as a result of their child's temper
tantrum. When this occurs, you have two individuals who are having temper tantrums, only one
is a child and one is an adult acting like a child. When you as a parent act like a child by having
your own temper tantrum you become a child in your child's eye and your child treats you as a
child. Yes, I will agree that children can sometimes frustrate the heck out of a parent. If you
"lose it" every so often, well, that's just being human, but there is simply no excuse for
consistently behaving the way you don't want your child to behave. Whether you know it or
not. Whether you want to or not, you will lead by example.

3. Feeling Guilty About Discipline

Guilt underlies many problems when tying to dicipline your child. For example, a parent may feel
"gulity" about a divorce and as a result, he or she sort of "slacks off" when it comes to discipline.
The child may be allowed to stay up all hours of the night, take baths when he or she feels like
it, get away with back talk, make failing grades in school, etc. Do not ever feel gulity about fair
and appropriate discipline.

4. Using Threats or Actual Acts of Violence

Imagine this scene. You are outside playing catch with your child. A neighbor child walks over
and is on your child's side. Within a minute, some words are exchanged between your child and the
other child and you see your child knock the other child to the ground. Enraged, you walk over to
your child, tell him, "hey, we don't hit in this family" and "spank" him.

Doesn't make sense to me, either. Actually, that example was borrowed from a county music song
of a few years ago. What "good" does spanking a child do? It gets's their attention, right? Well,
yes of course it does. Anyone who would hit me would have my complete and undivided attention
as well. The problems is, that is all it does. Psychologically, you are transmiting a message to you
child that is it okay to solve problem and vent frustration through violence. An unfortunate lesson
to learn, as many people in prison will tell you.

5. Inconsistency (within and between parents)

I see this many times in my practice. A child can stay up as late as they like on Monday night,
but the bed time of 8:30 is strictly enforced on Tueday night. Or a parent disciplines a child who
is having a temper tantrum in Wal Mart but will give in the next time. Parents, be consistent!
Do not send mixed mesages to you child. A child needs structure and consistency. If you take
that away, your child has nothing to rely on and will make up his her her own structure and chances
are, you won't like his or her "structure."

6. Openly Disagreeing about a Child in Front of the Child

Do couples sometimes argue, fuss with each other, disagree, etc. Of course. However, constantly
argueing in front of your child makes them think that maybe you don't love one another, or maybe
they too should argue when they want their way. Try the opposite, have a disagreement in front of
you child but use negotiaing and compromise to settle it. You can even "set up" these
disagreements to show your child how to settle differences using compromise. Settle your real
differnces in private and if you can't seek professional help, (seriously).

7. Treating Children as if They Were Small Adults.

This is a really, really, really big problem these days. Think about it. Kids are marketed to,
solicited and commercialized to no end. Our society treats them as though they were little
adults. They even have their own television stations (though I find it remarkable that some
adults find Cartoon Network funny). Parents aren't raising kids with the help of society.
They are raising kids in spite of society. Hillary Clinton got it wrong. If you let the "village" raise
you child, your child is headed for trouble.

What I am talking about is overindulgence. Treating kids as if they were small adults. The
belief that it is okay for my child to have the same rights and privileges that I as an adult
enjoy. What is worse than society treating kids as small adults? Parents sometimes do this as
well. Parents let kids have their own TV in their room, then they spend hours watching
it - alone. They have a computer with internet access in their room and they spend hours
going from site-to-site. They have cell phones, just like their parents. They talk on their own
cell phones to the peers - alone. Many kids don't even eat with their family. Dinnertime used
to be "family time" and it should be. It seems as though some kids spend more time
"with others" electronically (actually alone) than they do interacting with their family and
friends face-to-face.

Parents, do not blur the line between childhood and adulthood. Naturally, as your child gets
older he or she should have more privileges, not "rights." Rights are accorded to individuals
via statutes (i.e., laws). You as an adult have rights. Your child has privileges. When you
treat you child as a small adult, he or she comes to view him or herself as an adult and they
start to act as an adult. This is a problem.

Too many kids are growing up with the belief and attitude they they are their parent's equal.
Why? Because too many times their parents treat them as though they ARE their equal.
You should have a clear distintion between the RIGHTS which you as an adult have and the
PRIVILEGES which you give your child. It is sort of like the differences between wants and needs.
Does your child need every video game system ever invented? Do they need every game for
every video game system ever invented? Does your 10 year old need to play a rated
"M" game? Do you as a parent need to go into three months of debt every Christmas in order
to overindulge your kids with the best and the most presents. Do you feel guilty
(see number 3 above) if you don't.

Similarly, I see too many kids who know too much information about their parent's personal
lives. Your children should not be used as your therapist when you are angry and need to
vent about your spouse or ex-spouse. Kids simply do not need to know all about the family's
"dirty little secrets.

Love your kids. Have fun with them. Take care of them. They are quite literally the most
precious things on the Earth. But they are not your equal.

8. Forgetting or not Knowing that the Word Discipline Means "to teach"

The word "discipline" does not mean what many parents think it does. The word discipline
means to teach. It does not mean to punish. Not knowing this distinction is a very BIG mistake
made by many parents. Parents are sometimes too focused on "punishing" bad behavior. I agree
that there shoud be clear and consistent negative consequences for inappropriate behavior. This
is not what I am talking about. Consider this: punishment may show a child what not to do (don't
reach for that hot stove), but it doesn't really tell them what they should do instead ("okay well
what else should I do with my hands").

Parents, focus on teaching your kids, not necessarily and exclusively on punishing "bad"
behavior. Sometimes teaching involves literally hand-over-hand teaching, the same way you
taught your youngster to tie their shoelaces. Discipline your kids, but don't just simply focus
on punishment for misbehavior.